What’s the matter? Oral surgeon got your tongue… in a jar next to you?

OK – I need to go back to this illness. I had one of my worst days with this damn thing yesterday. I woke up sick as hell, and then had to go in for a tongue biopsy at 1030. My wife had a crazy morning scheduled and the biopsy was scheduled just last week, so she couldn’t come. I told her it wasn’t a big deal not knowing anything about it, and I wasn’t told not to drive so I did. Discussing the unlikely chance that I would need a ride home, I called my brother Matt since he worked near the office I was having it done at and asked if needed, whether he could pick me up. His answer went something like, “Well, I have a 1015, but I can come get you after that.” Thus indicating where my family is on this deal.
You think you could maybe leave the meeting if you had to?” I asked.
Well…”
“Is the meeting with the Chairman, the CEO, the President, or the COO?”
“No.”
I waited.
“…sure, yea, I guess so.”
Thatta a baby.” 

So on the drive to the surgeon I started wondering what the process really was. I am usually pretty good about Googling and reading up on everything, but I have been suffering from bad headaches from breaking in a new headache medication. Just writing that makes me mad. Also- a quick list of things I found myself worrying about unexpectedly on the ride to the doctor;

What my brain in a jar would look like had it been removed

What my brain in a jar would look like had it been removed

  1. My breath – Maybe taking a coffee for the ride was a bad idea before a mouth exercise. Luckily there would be a bag of double-stuffed Oreo cookies in the waiting room.
  2. I wore a hat, as I usually do these days having crawled out of bed. What if they take off my hat and my hair does that thing…
  3. My head was killing me. I wondered if it would somehow make it worse. (more on this later)
  4. Was it possible to die during a tongue biopsy?
  5. Did I feed the dogs?
  6. Will this be under dental or health insurance?
  7. Will this hurt? (more on this later; but cute)
  8. Were they going to scrape some tongue? Cut some tongue? Bite it? No idea.

I sat in the waiting room searching for any kind of mint. Can you believe all they had were little chocolate candy bars, a Keurig coffee machine, and mini bottles of hand-sanitizer? Why the hell would an Oral Surgeon’s office have such things in its waiting room? Wouldn’t it be in their favor to have a huge bowl of mints on every table near every seat? I would. I would also have a bag of mints in my desk for my 1st through 7th grade students when they came back after lunch. Oh my god. Parents and teachers– you know what I am talking about. So anyway, I did the only thing I could do. I had another cup of coffee, sanitized my hands, and ate a candy bar. Then re-sanitized my hands again, because it took a little longer for them to call me in.

If you were wondering-and I know you were-they stick a needle in where they need to numb. Which, yes it hurt like hell, but once it was over, my tongue blew up and I had something to suck on, so that was a plus. I need so little to keep me amused these days. He took a scalpel and cut out a piece right off the side of the tongue. Then he dropped it in a little jar of fluid. The nurse held it above me so I could see it like I was in seventh grade science class again, and the teacher had just dissected the example frog and was holding up the heart to the class like a voodoo witch-doctor in an Indiana Jones movie.

It looked like a little baby snail without its shell. That is the best I can do being I was under the influence of a numbing agent, and that I was in fact, looking at a piece of my own tongue now separated from my person.

As for post-biopsy;

When you are numbed up nice and good, you are way over-confident. Kind of like when you are at a party in college and you are super sure that the girl you didn’t have the courage to even look at earlier is really digging you now after a few drinks. As I stood to leave, the nurse asked, “Where can I call the pain pills in for you?” Thinking it wasn’t a good idea to mix with all the other meds I am on and not wanting to go the pharmacy on this day; I shrugged and said,

I’m good.”

Those were almost the last words of a dying man. Because within the hour my tongue felt like it had a knife through it and my head was on full blast Lymphomania XXXIV.” I thought I was going to get sick it was so bad. I keep pain killers for the bad back, so I jumped on the computer and looked up whether it was safe to take them with the medicine I am on. I got, “URGENT- change medication immediately- UNSAFE!” OK – what the hell can I do then?

I had my son go pick up some Anbesol. Genius. I squeezed it on my tongue like toothpaste on a

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

toothbrush. Ahhhhhh, I said for ten seconds until the pain came back. Then I squeezed it on again. Ahhhhhhhh, I said for ten seconds before the pain came back full-blast. And then I was out, because the Anbesol tubes are “super glue” size- which just angered me even more. Not because of the Anbesol, but the Super Glue. Can’t you make a size that someone can glue more than one thing with?! Ridiculous. 

So I decided to go to bed about 3:30 pm, but I couldn’t even pass out the pain was so bad. So I just laid there in the semi-dark, rocking, talking to myself in my mind as I do with the migraines like an inmate at an asylum having crack withdrawals. Here is the kicker though; my feet and legs exploded in pain from the neuropathy I have with this thing and were on fire.

You know that moment when you give up? I hit it. I thought about crying. I thought about jumping out the window too, but knew I would survive the fall and probably just break a hip, which would only add to the misery. I had no idea what to bitch about. I did sleep on and off which was nice, at least during the sleeping part. Then I made another huge mistake.

In my defense, one is not thinking clearly when in agony such as I was. I hadn’t eaten all day. It was my tongue, not my stomach. I was hungry. Will you bring home a sandwich, I asked. And my wife did. At about 9 pm. And I ate it like it was a sandwich of burning hot needles. It was, in fact, a steak sandwich from a nice sandwich place, Philly-style, and every bite was like torture. Imagine the

Also torture.

What I looked like eating.        Also considered torture when heard

feeling of biting your tongue every time you chewed. So it was my eyesight and stomach versus my tongue and mouth. It ended in a tie, because in a situation like that, no one wins.

I will tell you right now, that had it actually been torture I would have sung like a canary. Yes, I pretended to be sleeping once- ok several times- when the dog wanted out so my wife had to get up and let her out at 2am. And in high school (1989), I cut down a tree from a shopping mall for use at a party which the parents then donated to an unnamed school here in the Omaha-Council-Bluffs-Bellevue-Millard area- and which they used said tree as their lobby donation tree and was featured on their Christmas cards.

Wow. Feels good to get that off my chest. There is a statute of limitations on that, right?

Anyway, I thought since I was much better today, thank you very much; and partly functional-at least enough to type-I would have some fun with it. You know, since I almost died from a tongue biopsy. Humor is the only way I survive these days. I am much better though, really. And I won’t post a picture of the stitched up flesh that my wife won’t kiss for “at least a year maybe two” for some reason.

P.s. I will tell you the name of the school that used the stolen tree in private or once my kids graduate.

dM

P.s.s.  Did you know “illness” in Swahili is ugonjwa? You’re welcome.

illness   Google Search

It should say “affecting the body AND mind”

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  4 comments for “What’s the matter? Oral surgeon got your tongue… in a jar next to you?

  1. Tim
    November 26, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Hey Dave sounds like a crappy day but if you ever need a ride put my name in your phone I’m pretty mobile during day.

    402-714-5751 Tim

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

  2. Anonymous
    December 4, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Dang Dave! Miss ya! Love, Rhett

    Like

  3. May 14, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    Hola, te felicito por tu blog es excelente, me encantaria poder compartirles mi blog en el cual pueden descargar vectores muy bonitos gratis

    Like

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